I have been really struggling over the past several months with the dissertation. I've been researching and reading and writing but I am not really getting anywhere, which I am very frustrated with and seem to deal with primarily through avoidance. (And crochet...wait until I post pictures of the blanket I am finishing up for my Mom for Mother's Day...but that will come later.)
Part of the problem is that I am so removed from the community at school. I live far away, and everyone I know has already graduated. But I think the real reason involves the little epiphany I had last night: Ever since I became a mother, I don't take myself or my potential career all that seriously, and as a result, neither does anyone else. Oops...I've mommy-tracked myself. I have been reduced to continually reminding everyone involved that yes, I still exist, and yes, I do intend to graduate someday. It's not unlike running inside a hamster wheel and it's predictably exhausting.
I'm not sure what my point is in posting this, and I'm not sure how I intend to climb out of this little hole I seem to be in. I just needed to put it out there, I guess. It's been on my mind for a long time now but I couldn't put it into words.
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4 comments:
Sounds like you and I are very similar. I've mommy-tracked myself too, and I'm still not sure how to find myself more often than not.
For what it's worth, I know you exist... and so do your friends. So if that helps as a starting point, maybe you can move on from there.
And don't worry, we take what you're doing very seriously. Especially when I have a husband working toward a similar path... I give you guys in school so much credit. I wouldn't go back. And I give you moms so much credit, I don't know how you handle it...
I'm an expert in not taking myself seriously, and I don't even have kids yet. I'm not so full of great advice, but call me if you need someone to complain to, I'm always happy to listen.
I remember how I took myself very seriously exactly three months after I had Amanda, how I was so sure I was going to land a job in advertising right away, going on interviews at places like Saatchi & Saatchi, but not quite dressing the part, and telling everyone I just had a kid-I didn't get a job until Amanda was a year and a half! It took some time for me to realize I just had to refine my search, my voice, to figure out that the newspaper industry was a more satisfying, yet family-friendly path for me to take. The hard work you've been investing takes time, and your experiences as a new mom are integral in shaping it. Heck, the author of Harry Potter might never have written her books if she never had a kid. It's good that you have an opportunity to vent here and have a community that supports you, I felt very alone in those early years. The dissertation will snap into place, Lore!
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